What's UP?

Hi There!

I've been pretty doggone busy in the last year, what's up with you?

I joined another step study, been journaling like crazy, started writing a book, started seminary school, never finished my craft room because my son moved back, and recently started house hunting.

My relationship with my savior has deepened and my Bulimia has improved. I'm still just one day at timing it, but it's good.

At any rate, I'm coming back to blogging, seeking to reconnect with the world and adding one more program to my plate. Thin Within has caught my eye and I am going to blog my journey. I only have 1 month left in my 12 step study and 4 more months of seminary, but I feel God has lead me do this. I'm very excited and hope my honesty will find at least one other to connect with.

Looking forward to this...meet me here!



Still Under Construction

    I still haven't completed my craft room. Apparently it was a much larger undertaking than I had first imagined it would be. I am loving the whole process, so it's all good. Thank goodness there isn't an open house in the next week or so.

Meanwhile I have continued to accumulate ceramic pieces that I have been experimenting  some different glazes on and will get to see my new pretties next week. I tell you it's like a drug with me, only not as expensive.

Speaking of, well addictions anyways, I'm going back to CR tomorrow. In fact, I think we're going to make this place our home church and I am freakin' giddy with excitement. I just have to clarify one itsy bitsy thing first.

Oh, I heard this today & I have to share....

what does SOBER stand for??

Son of a B#@!%h everythings real !

HA!

Dreams

I had the cooolest dream the other night and in light of my recovery.....it makes perfect sense.

I dreamed i was in a large church and during the corporate worship of God this man began to speak out loud in tongues. I have seen this happen before so that wasn't the shocking part. The shock was that even though i was completely aware that he was speaking in this 'unknown' tongue, i could understand him perfectly! I was totally blown away! It was like listening to someone speak spanish (which i think is my first language) it was so clear and it was so personal and it resonated so deeply in my heart that i just broke down in tears. Then another man stepped forward to give the interpretation and I was relieved i didn't have to. Especially when he started to speak because even though his version was pretty much that same thing i heard, he was able to say it with alot more eloquence, and big words, and theological presentation that i just didnt hear. I got more of the summed up simple version without the "thus sayeth the Lord", but nevertheless, I believe it was meant for me. You see it was a story about a woman who one day asked the Lord, "Is it true, do You really require part when we have so little to even give?" "No my child," God answered, "I want ALL of you."

There were parts of me before my recovery that I didn't realize i had control over. My life was by large a series of reactions, responses, impulses,& compulsions. In a nutshell out of my hands. I was too busy playing defense with the world at large to even begin to take control of anything and formulate a plan of action. I think this is why I have been Bulimic for so long. In this one little teeny tiny area, I had the illusion of control. Like the rest of my life, it was not real.

So here I am years later, I find a prayer journal of mine from 2006 where I'm asking God to help me surrender myself to Him completely, even my self-destructive behaviors. I couldn't even write down the word Bulimia even though it was my journal and my prayer to God. That is how much I was ashamed of it.

I still struggle with the shame, it's almost like the shame of being overweight, it's a self control issue and it's yucky. Lets instead talk about rainbows, and flowers, and puppy dogs. Ok no. This is real life.(FYI- i l.o.v.e. rainbows they remind me about God, flowers...i am a girls & puppies I have 2)

Today I am the woman in the message in my dream. God has taken me to places of acceptance, responsibility, accountability, clearing away areas that obstructed my view of Him and His true Greatness, so that every day I am able to truly surrender a little bit more of myself to Christ.

The Shallow End

After spending some time in the 'deep' end of the pool, i've switched gears & have been spending some wonderfully wonderful qualilty time working on my new craft room. It was a blessing to move the boys up to their new rooms and to finally have a small space to call all my own.

First I started hanging up all my fabrics in the closet...

This fabulous idea was borrowed from my friend Gina at the Shabby Chic Cottage

turns out I had ALOT more fabric than I remember.?

Then I got a great idea from a co-worker for what to do with my ribbon collection...curtain rods. Well, not exactly curtain rods, but the same concept. I bought some threaded curtain rod hooks at Wally World for $.97 a package of 3 and some dowel rods for under a dollar each at Lowe's and vua-lah!

I spaced them out 6" and I thought 5 rods would be plenty, but like the fabric collection I also had ALOT more ribbon than I realized. My sweet hubby ran right out to get me another dowel and set of hooks but.......

Just like i underestimated the amount of my fabrics

well,

back to the store!

When Worlds Collide

I have thought long & hard about writing this post, so here goes.

I have a total of 3 blogs, Ana's House Dressing that is about as superficial as they come (not very many posts there), 40 Year Old Bulimic that is super private, and this one. In working out my recovery I have come to a place where I feel it necessary to finally combine the three. They are beginning to overlap each other and as my fears subside, I see they are all parts of me.

The ugly one, Bulimia, makes me and alot of everybody else in the whole world, uncomfortable. It's gross, it's so very shameful, and it's obsessive even. Here's the thing though, it has been the one thing that no matter how many times I've tried to lay it down at the foot of the cross, I inevitably pick it back up, run & hide with it. I hoped I would one day grow out of it, but I'm now 41 and it's been 26 years. That's over half my life. I have lied about it like an alcoholic and in the process become such an expert in the practice of that I could teach classes on the art of skillful binging followed by creative puking.

This is who I've been. This is hard to type.

The week after the anniversary of my daughter death, I had an experience that I can only describe as the perfect storm. It is when all the parts of me finally collided with each other and the result was devastingly scary, yet there was something.

My doctor has started me on a new med that had a side effect of, well altering my tastebuds in a way. I can only describe it as I have become a very very very picky eater. The majority of food simply doesn't sound so good anymore and has about as much appeal to me as cardboard. I didn't realize this at first, so when I had experienced a highly emotionally charged arguement with my beloved

just a few days after the anniversary of Bri's death, my knee jerk, no-thought-involved-reaction was to go directly to the fridge. I didn't even pass GO or collect my $200!

So there I was staring at little chocolate lava cupcakes and regular cupcakes for pete's sake, and all I can think is "Naa, that doesn't sound good". Next the freezer, oodles of ice cream (a freakin' pleasure to throw up I might add) and again, nope. Lastly I go to the pantry and when I again strike out, I took a pain pill (as i was bawling my head off by now) grabbed a cigarette and went outside to cry. My whole world just fell apart and I was grasping at straws but finding nothing!

 I felt weird inside. The next day I was numb, I don't remember much just that something just felt out of place. I saw the marriage counselor who suggested I keep a binge log. Just a notebook to record what i feel when i....you know. Ok, whatever. Still numb, but starting to feel some anger now. This is about the time I figured out the medication was changing my tastes because pop tasted horrible to me & i so googled it. I felt a sense of betrayal, like i was stripped of my superpowers. This is what I wanted....RIGHT???

Next day I was definitely all out angry and at this point feeling something I have not felt in YEARS, self loathing. So at this point I began to deliberately plan my binges by going to the supermarket with the sole intention of buying only the stuff that sounded good to me. For 2 days I binged and purged with so much anger & self hatred that I wished i were dead. I have not thought about suicide since my daughters death, and this scared me a bit. Don't get me wrong, I know I cannot take my own life because it isn't mine to take. God is sovereign, i get it, but i wished so much that i could be dead because i hurt so bad . I have no idea how I functioned at work on Friday, maybe years of being fake?? ya think??Saturday morning I woke up and cried out to God that no matter what, I needed to get out of this pit this day and i needed His help to make it possible. This was my #1 priority for the day that morning and i wasn't going anywhere until God pulled me out, everything else was set aside. Armed with my bible, my laptop, my journal,prayers and worship music, i began to fervently seek Him and focus on Him as best i could through the fog.

I did get delivered that morning and I found relief in His peace, but the battle had just started.

Thank goodness i know the One who runs this place and how this story will end.

That was 4 weeks ago and I have been taking it one day at a time since.

No more suicidal thoughts since, no more binging anf purging, but very very vunerable, very naked very scared, but ready.

I am in the process of setting up a craft room for myself, my husband and I are reconciling with the help of a wonderful Christian counselor,(yes, it makes a tremendous difference) and i am learning to walk again.

Thanks for letting me share.

Eve

This, the eve of the anniversary of my beloved daughter's death.

This the last day she spent on this side of heaven with us, her family. The last night I would hear her sweet voice sing.

My husband and I had taken a bold step that day and we ordered a natural remedy that had lots of promise. So much so that I remember sitting on the floor next to the couch and telling her about it. I asked her which part of her body she thought she would be able to use first, totally expecting her to say the last thing she lost use of....
her arms.
 "I'm going to walk, mom!"

Her boldness in faith never ceased to amaze me, not then on the eve of her death. Not even today as I remember her precious eyes lighting up as she proclaimed her desire six years ago.

That night her baby brother, my last child, spiked a fever with no other symptoms. Since my oldest son had left with my family to visit everyone back home in Oklahoma, I had decided to sleep with the baby in his room so as to not add a virus to my daughters plate. She had been sleeping with my husband and I in bed so we could tend to her throughout the night. I let my husband take her as I kept the baby and any germs he & I may have away from her.
 I cannot tell you how many times I have wondered at this.
Was I being spared something that would have scarred me for life? Was it something special God wanted to give to my husband?

I wonder because my son never spiked another fever, he never developed any other symptoms.
 Just that night.

Have I mentioned I don't believe in coincidences?

She didn't die that night, she didn't die until 7:30 AM the next morning. A whole world of happenings went on between the night we all went to bed and the morning I awoke to Rob's yells that erupted into a scream ripping from my body before I was even fully awake. There was only one reason he would be yelling and I registered this in my mind before I was completely concious.

I don't know if I will be able to share all those events in detail. It's a wound in my heart that has an abilty to bleed still.

I share all this because today I had a conversation with a coworker who has experienced great loss as well and is a fellow believer. I asked her if God had shown her anything about death after her husband passed, and long story short the answer was no. It has been longer that my daughter's death and even though she stressed that she never got angry with the Lord and undoubtedly stayed loyal to her God, she could barely hold back her tears as she let me know that she longs to know her loved ones were still "here".

Looking into her eyes I knew, just knew that I need to share what God has given me.
I dream of my daughter, I have my beautiful memories of her, and I ache for her on certain occasions. If not for everything the Lord showed me, the revelations, the eye opening rhemas, the love, grace, mercy, comfort and mostly His Neverending Faithfulness. I would've never made it. Even when my daughter passed from this life into the next, maybe even especially then. I don't state this lightly.

She needs to know that God didn't fail, (we would never admit this but I promise you we all think it ) she didn't fail, the devil didn't take him away and faith didn't come up short.

How much faith does it take to heal cancer?

 A mustard seed

I couldn't immediately recall the wonderous details of my journey with the Lord after Bri's death as she poured out parts of her heart. The fine points can't sift through the dense emotions I am experiencing right now, but this solid fact I hold true like a torchlight....God is Faithful, God is Good. In this I find my rest.

He is True Respite.

  8 He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream.

It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought

and never fails to bear fruit."

Jeremiah 17:8 NIV

Hanging In There

I'm doing well, considering. I so have a long way to go in my recovery, burdening others with my 'stuff' is one of the areas I really need to work on.

When my memories started bombarding me on Saturday, I told NOONE,I just didn't think it would do any good to bring someone else down with me.
By Sunday I hardly wanted to get out of bed, so that's when I posted what I did. I then shared it on my FB wall so that if someone was so inclined to join me in my grief, they could just read my posting without my shoving it in their face.

The outpouring of mercy was just more that I could've ever imagined.

What's more, I felt so incredibly better after I posted. Even before 1 single comment, my weight was lifted. The well wishes and prayers were the absolute icing on the cake!
There really are a whole slew of wonderful people in this world, and I am especially proud to call them my friends.

I felt so much better, in fact, that I painted a couple of tassel topper last night after work.

This little fellow was my favorite by far!! I tried to reproduce a frog my dear friend painted in a much larger version for a craft show in April.

I took the pic with my phone, thus the high quality detail you see above...

Thank You All,