intentional

This weekend I listened to a sermon that, quite frankly, rocked my world. I was not only inspired, but convicted and encouraged by this God i serve and His Word.

There was a season right after my daughter died that i finally shed all my pretenses and humbled myself before this Almighty God. It wasn't long before I was on FIRE. I don't mean spiritually pleasing to everyone, but quite the contrary. The things I was learning from the Lord were so far out there it made most people uncomfortable. I even questioned my own sanity on occasion because my thinking was turning so radical. But inside I knew, I was living, breathing, depending on Christ for my very life. He was my respirator, my oxygen tank from which I drew breath. This life support that Jesus became for me was the absolute ONLY reason i lived on, because all of me died with my daughter. Yet the depths in Him he took me to, were so life changingly incredible, He infused my veins with a fire to live....for Him and for Him alone.

This may sound harsh because I do have a family, but my pain was greater than them...and only my God was greater than my pain.

The saddest part of this story up to now isn't that my daughter went home to be with Jesus, or that we came to financial ruin and had to begin all over because of the debt we incurred during my daughter's illness. No, the real tragedy is that I begin to listen to other people when they would say things to me like, " have you heard of being too heavenly minded to be any earthly good?" or when the director of a women's ministry quote out of Psalms the scripture about being zealous without knowledge.

If knowledge quenchs the Spirit, and i sit by as I watch my flame become more and more extinguished, and instead of screaming NOOOOO!! i let myself fade into my background until you can no longer make out who i am from the rest of the world, then shame on me. Shame, shame, shame on me.

 I am publicly repenting right here and right now and I'm have decided to live intentionally for the Lord every minute of every day from here on out. I want to depend on Him and Him alone no matter what that looks like or who that puts off. I know we like our little bit of Jesus, but I pray that i will desire Him far more than even money to feed my family.

My recovery is still very important to me, but I do not want God to take a backseat while I figure this stuff out. I need His eternity in my present.

I want to breathe Him.