Eve

This, the eve of the anniversary of my beloved daughter's death.

This the last day she spent on this side of heaven with us, her family. The last night I would hear her sweet voice sing.

My husband and I had taken a bold step that day and we ordered a natural remedy that had lots of promise. So much so that I remember sitting on the floor next to the couch and telling her about it. I asked her which part of her body she thought she would be able to use first, totally expecting her to say the last thing she lost use of....
her arms.
 "I'm going to walk, mom!"

Her boldness in faith never ceased to amaze me, not then on the eve of her death. Not even today as I remember her precious eyes lighting up as she proclaimed her desire six years ago.

That night her baby brother, my last child, spiked a fever with no other symptoms. Since my oldest son had left with my family to visit everyone back home in Oklahoma, I had decided to sleep with the baby in his room so as to not add a virus to my daughters plate. She had been sleeping with my husband and I in bed so we could tend to her throughout the night. I let my husband take her as I kept the baby and any germs he & I may have away from her.
 I cannot tell you how many times I have wondered at this.
Was I being spared something that would have scarred me for life? Was it something special God wanted to give to my husband?

I wonder because my son never spiked another fever, he never developed any other symptoms.
 Just that night.

Have I mentioned I don't believe in coincidences?

She didn't die that night, she didn't die until 7:30 AM the next morning. A whole world of happenings went on between the night we all went to bed and the morning I awoke to Rob's yells that erupted into a scream ripping from my body before I was even fully awake. There was only one reason he would be yelling and I registered this in my mind before I was completely concious.

I don't know if I will be able to share all those events in detail. It's a wound in my heart that has an abilty to bleed still.

I share all this because today I had a conversation with a coworker who has experienced great loss as well and is a fellow believer. I asked her if God had shown her anything about death after her husband passed, and long story short the answer was no. It has been longer that my daughter's death and even though she stressed that she never got angry with the Lord and undoubtedly stayed loyal to her God, she could barely hold back her tears as she let me know that she longs to know her loved ones were still "here".

Looking into her eyes I knew, just knew that I need to share what God has given me.
I dream of my daughter, I have my beautiful memories of her, and I ache for her on certain occasions. If not for everything the Lord showed me, the revelations, the eye opening rhemas, the love, grace, mercy, comfort and mostly His Neverending Faithfulness. I would've never made it. Even when my daughter passed from this life into the next, maybe even especially then. I don't state this lightly.

She needs to know that God didn't fail, (we would never admit this but I promise you we all think it ) she didn't fail, the devil didn't take him away and faith didn't come up short.

How much faith does it take to heal cancer?

 A mustard seed

I couldn't immediately recall the wonderous details of my journey with the Lord after Bri's death as she poured out parts of her heart. The fine points can't sift through the dense emotions I am experiencing right now, but this solid fact I hold true like a torchlight....God is Faithful, God is Good. In this I find my rest.

He is True Respite.

  8 He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream.

It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought

and never fails to bear fruit."

Jeremiah 17:8 NIV