**DEEP THOUGHTS BY JACK HANDEY**
not really..
This morning I was lost in thought about the path the Lord has led me on so far...in particaular this season in my life. I have stated out loud about how I felt as if, when I lived in Memphis, I was in a sort of Christian 'bubble'. Meaning that before Bri died, as you can imagine, I was studying His word and praying with a fervency.. not for one second allowing myself to believe she would die. It was what I had learned because you can bet that I went to every single Healing Class, healing revival, healing meeting that I could drive to with Briana in tow. I would not leave any rock unturned because even though she had a terminal illness, I just.could.not.go.there. That happened to other people, not us. It wasn't as if what I was gleaming from all these churches, including my own, wasn't backing up that theory as well. There are plenty of scriptures that attest to the healing miracles God can and does perform. I myself have experienced some through Briana that, would have made any unbeliever fall to their knees if they had been involved in our lives. Come to think of it, my whole extended family and one of my best friends are now believers as a result of what God did in their hearts during this time in our life. One day I'll tell you about it... in particular when a golf ball sized tumor began hemorrhaging in her brain once. Long story short, they said she wouldn't make it through the night, her oncologist was CRYING, and Bri walked out of there 4 days later...Wow, but I'll save that for another time.
If you think I sound a little bitter about the teaching, well just put it out of your head. You see, if I hadn't of given it all I had, the way I was taught you were suppossed to do, I may never have had the courage to go to God afterwards and demand (yes I said DEMAND...I ask you, what did I have to lose at this point?) what happened. What had gone terribly, terribly wrong...Instead I would have been lost in self pity about what I should have done and didn't ,to... who knows?? Can you imagine the guilt??I sure as heck cannot.
I. was. crushed. and only He knew the why..
So almost immediately following her death the Lord just wisked me away...truly, I began to study His Word with a whole new set of eyes. Sometimes scripture would just BLOW ME AWAY. I got it.. I finally got it. Not all of it of course, but He did put it all (and me) back together in a whole different light. I was way, way, way out there and I didn't wish to come back. Oh, I was still experiencing my absolute worst nightmare and it was 3 months before I stopped crying on a daily basis, but I was simultaneously being saturated with God and His Word, and His life...
I love art.
Ok so I was bursting after 6 months, literally bursting like I was pregnant to tell the world everything I was learning at such deep intimate levels. Especially those who have been schooled in theology to verify I wasn't koo-koo. I mean there were times I would be reading at night, because nights were the worst, and I would seriously want to jump to my feet and just run...run..and runnnnnn!! So He lead me to a bible study with a wonderful group of women. This is where my 'bubble' started and grew. I attended I don't know how many different bible studies because this was as close to seminary school as I would be allowed...have I mentioned I'm on my third marraige?? No ?? Oh well..I lived, breathed, ate, walked, and slept His Word. I was drenched.
Then we moved back here after 2 years, and I was forced back into the "real" world and my humanity.
It's not that I wasn't aware that things in this natural world weren't really working...strained relationships, my marriage was a mess, my kids, my addictions...I just didn't let what I thought I couldn't do anything about, get to me. I would just dive right back into Jesus.So it was He who burst the thing and now I was left to see that there really were a few things I could contribute to this life. I had swung from one end of the spectrum believeing her healing was a direct result of my actions ie. obediance, to believing we had control of absolutely nothing and that The Big Guy was the only One orchestrating this world. I still hold the contention that He can override anything we can do..hands down, period. I now see that He does want us to act as well.
So I started my recovery, and although I have so often missed being safe and comfortable in my old bubble, I can now begin to see that fruit of growing emotionally as well.
It all kinda goes hand in hand ya know..
I wonder if Jesus ever sat around feeling so totally human too..
He must of or else it would've been all for naught.
