I had the cooolest dream the other night and in light of my recovery.....it makes perfect sense.
I dreamed i was in a large church and during the corporate worship of God this man began to speak out loud in tongues. I have seen this happen before so that wasn't the shocking part. The shock was that even though i was completely aware that he was speaking in this 'unknown' tongue, i could understand him perfectly! I was totally blown away! It was like listening to someone speak spanish (which i think is my first language) it was so clear and it was so personal and it resonated so deeply in my heart that i just broke down in tears. Then another man stepped forward to give the interpretation and I was relieved i didn't have to. Especially when he started to speak because even though his version was pretty much that same thing i heard, he was able to say it with alot more eloquence, and big words, and theological presentation that i just didnt hear. I got more of the summed up simple version without the "thus sayeth the Lord", but nevertheless, I believe it was meant for me. You see it was a story about a woman who one day asked the Lord, "Is it true, do You really require part when we have so little to even give?" "No my child," God answered, "I want ALL of you."
There were parts of me before my recovery that I didn't realize i had control over. My life was by large a series of reactions, responses, impulses,& compulsions. In a nutshell out of my hands. I was too busy playing defense with the world at large to even begin to take control of anything and formulate a plan of action. I think this is why I have been Bulimic for so long. In this one little teeny tiny area, I had the illusion of control. Like the rest of my life, it was not real.
So here I am years later, I find a prayer journal of mine from 2006 where I'm asking God to help me surrender myself to Him completely, even my self-destructive behaviors. I couldn't even write down the word Bulimia even though it was my journal and my prayer to God. That is how much I was ashamed of it.
I still struggle with the shame, it's almost like the shame of being overweight, it's a self control issue and it's yucky. Lets instead talk about rainbows, and flowers, and puppy dogs. Ok no. This is real life.(FYI- i l.o.v.e. rainbows they remind me about God, flowers...i am a girls & puppies I have 2)
Today I am the woman in the message in my dream. God has taken me to places of acceptance, responsibility, accountability, clearing away areas that obstructed my view of Him and His true Greatness, so that every day I am able to truly surrender a little bit more of myself to Christ.
